If you’re here, it’s likely that you’ve already been introduced to my previous post. If you haven’t read that already, I would encourage you to go back and do so, or these pieces will be even harder to put together. You can read it here. This one will be much longer of a read, so I hope you still have that notepad out..

However, before we dive in I would like to make a few disclaimers. What I am telling you is simply my point of view, what I experienced, and how I was affected in my coming out experience. I am in no way targeting, or promoting the harassment of others. Most importantly, I understand that different people cope and process in many different ways and that is okay.

This is a continuation of my coming out story
& the events that made it traumatic

Now, where did we leave off?

It was the day after I had come out to my friends, and reluctantly to Nathan (my partner at the time) as well. I hadn’t heard from Nathan, but discovered that he was at Sarah & Rose’s house. I reached out to Rose. We were discussing how Nathan has feelings and needed someone to talk to. I apologized to Rose & told them to hangout if that’s what Nathan needed.

Almost immediately after that, I got my very first taste of disapproval – and it was from Rose.

It was completely unexpected. My stomach was spinning circles as I read the incoming messages, and I responded with shaky hands.

The messages read:

But honestly what made you come out to us crying like do you feel guilty about something and that’s why you had to come out because you were coming out to a group of the most understanding people around but you were hysterical, why? Because talking to *Nathan now I know he wouldn’t have* said anything about you being bi besides being supportive unless you pursued something behind his back

uhh I kinda feel attacked lol. No, I’ve kissed people that’s literally it. I mean yeah I guess I feel guilty about going behind my boyfriends back like that. But also I just have a lot of emotions about being judged & people thinking I’m doing it for attention and like why now
so yeah i’m gonna get emotional

No ones attacking you everyone just wants to have a conversation especially *Nathan but coming out as bi after going behind his back and kissing someone just feels forced like it was forced that you came out to us and know one understands why

Let it be known – I owed no one an explanation. If you’re experiencing something similar, neither do you. No one needs to understand your coming out. Being emotional during your coming out is not abnormal. You don’t need to defend yourself for how you choose to process your emotions.

But from here on out, Sarah & Rose were no longer on my side. No longer the supportive friends that I needed them to be in that moment. I just hadn’t fully grasped that yet.

I told Rose I was sorry that no one understood. I didn’t really know what they wanted me to say. Then the truth came out. They wanted to know about Serrena. Suddenly, my entire coming out revolved around Serrena as far as they were concerned (or anyone but me, really). Everyone’s attitude at the Lakefront that first night started to make sense. Ironically, I had only met Serrena a couple weeks prior to all of this. She was a mutual friend whom I had been introduced to by Sarah & Rose. Somehow, we both quickly became their enemies & we bonded over it. But we’ll get more into that.

Again, what happened next is all a vague memory. For the most part, Nathan continued staying at his parents house. Some days he would beg for me to keep loving him, and other days he would beg me to explain myself. But one specific conversation, he had told me “My parents don’t care about your sexuality, they just want to talk.”

I’m sorry – what? Your parents? I didn’t tell your parents.

He continued on “All of my friends say I should leave you, but my mom still thinks you’re the one for me.”

Stop right there – I didn’t tell anyone. What are you talking about, how do they know? I was frantic – Did I let it slip somewhere, somehow?? I don’t want anyone else to know – I’m not ready for this!!!

Then it hit me – He outed me.

He had never asked if I wanted anyone else to know, if he could disclose it to his parents, or his friends. He never even told me he was going to. He just… outed me.

My panic wasn’t rooted in the disclosure of my infidelity. Of course I expected him to open up to others about it. Of course he deserved to acknowledge his emotions and talk about it.

It was about my sexuality. I don’t think he understood the extent of what he did – In fact I know he didn’t understand it. Maybe to most it doesn’t seem like a big deal. It is. From that moment on, I don’t think we had any reasonable conversations. I was either avoiding him at all costs, or we were arguing.

I was never home regardless of the fact that he was staying at his parents. I spent most of my time hiding out in my car at random parking lots in town, or staying at my brothers girlfriends house (let’s call my brothers girlfriend Sadie). I was sometimes wide awake until 6AM just to go to work on zero sleep. I was a walking shell of a human. My eating habits got even worse. I was hardly eating one full meal a day. I wasn’t sleeping, and I truly don’t know how I kept my job because my mind was always elsewhere. I don’t remember most of my days. My therapist says my lack of recollection is a trauma response. Part of me is grateful for it.

Sadie’s apartment quickly became my secret little bunker. I was often met with her, my brother, Serrena, and sometimes another friend or two while I was there. It was always a nice distraction – even when I was alone. I spent majority of my free time there, which raised a lot of questions as to why or what I was doing.

Things with Sarah & Rose got more and more hostile around the time I was heavily relying on my secret little bunker – turns out it wasn’t so secret. A few days prior, I had turned off my location. They began coming up with wild accusations about me, mainly because I didn’t talk to them about what I was doing or feeling, and especially because they didn’t always know where I was. But even in the rare chance that I was being transparent, they chose not to believe me.

My secrecy wasn’t specific to them. In fact, I had gone radio silent on almost everybody. Nobody was allowing me space to heal and process, and that’s all I wanted. So I took matters into my own hands and isolated myself. And they just assumed, I guess.

One day, I had asked Sadie if I could go to her house, hangout for a bit by myself because she wasn’t home. She agreed, made sure I was okay & I had already been given a key so access wasn’t an issue.

Simultaneously, she texted Serrena and said something like “I’m scared Cheyenne is going to kill herself or something” – probably not being entirely serious, but things were pretty dark for me and everyone could tell. Unbeknownst to her, I do have a history of suicidal ideation, but thankfully this wasn’t something that I was struggling with at the time. I was just numb.

This prompted Serrena to come over while I was there. She was the one and only person who would just sit there in silence with me. Or talk about herself which was almost more ideal, because it made me forget about my own shit. She never asked questions, although I now know how bad she wanted to. She just let me sulk. This specific day, we watched Dancing With the Stars & stayed up way later than we should have, which was a regular occurrence.

This is where things started to get weird – Sarah & Rose had posted on social media that they were having a game night or something at their house. Nathan was there, along with a couple of other people including Rose’s sister and her partner. Maybe even another friend or two I can’t recall. Every single person in attendance had intentionally posted on their Instagram stories. They of course tagged Nathan and everyone else that was there as if they were all best friends. But one thing was missing – me. This was obviously a dig at me and I knew it. But that’s not where it stops.

Now what happened next, I wasn’t made aware of until a later date. But while in disbelief over what I was seeing on their socials, Sarah & Rose loaded up into a car with Nathan and drove by Sadie’s apartment multiple times that same night. I have no idea how they knew the address – neither of them had ever been there. They saw both my car and Serrena’s in the parking lot, and ran with that tidbit of information.

To Sarah, Rose & Nathan, this was confirmation of their idea that I was sleeping with Serrena. Something they had been talking about since the morning after my coming out.

I don’t know that I necessarily need to disclose this, but I was not sleeping with Serrena.

I could add a couple disclaimers to this but I will refrain <3

My friends were acting as if I was being unfaithful to them. As if my isolation was an attack on them.

Without yet knowing that they had quite literally been stalking my every move, I texted Sarah the next morning. I told her to let me know when she was awake so I could talk. Once she responded, I opened up:

I just feeeel very isolated. and I don’t mean physically like ok I did that to myself. but I’m just confused because I felt really really supported when I confided in you the other day (which was great & I appreciate you for that) and now I feel like a flip has switched and I’m this terrible person who’s misunderstood and owes everyone an explanation and an apology and I don’t know why.
and I don’t know if it was anyone’s intention but the instagram stories with *Nathan last night just felt very mean to me
and selfishly, you are MY confidant. you are MY best friend. I know that you guys just want to be there for *Nathan but it’s turned into this huge thing of drama that I had no intention of causing & I just want my relationship to stay separated from my friendships in this moment.

It’s painful to see how much of a people pleaser I was back then. When I was the one who needed sympathy and grace, I was handing it out as if I had too much.

Sarah replied:

I’ll be honest with you, you hurt my feelings. You telling *Rose in air quotes that’s we’re not understanding people. That hurt me.
After you told me you were bisexual you went home, then went for a drive, then met up with Serrena. Sure that’s fine but then telling *Nathan you went to our house? That’s sneaky
Us finding out things that happen at the party that you didn’t tell us about
That’s sneaky
Telling me, *Rose and *Nathan you need to be alone last night and sources (lol @ this because THEY were the “sources”) tell us Serrena was there?
Sneaky. All I have always asked for was the truth. I can not stand liars
So you’re right your friendships need to be separated from your relationship which right now I don’t know if you have a friendship with me cause I now feel betrayed
And honestly I don’t need an explanation at this point

Some of what Sarah said, especially now, I agree with. As an outsider, all of this could be seen as sneaky. But while they were supposed to be my friends, they continued to make absurd claims, fuel each others fire, and drag my name through the dirt. When all I needed was a friend. And somehow – they felt betrayed? Did they even dare to think how I might have felt?

The rest of the conversation is painfully embarrassing on my part, as I just kept continuing to explain myself, telling Sarah you’ve got it all wrong and saying things like you’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m here if you need to get anything off your chest. I should’ve been more transparent with you.

There are not a lot of things I regret in my life, but I do wish I could go back in time and shake the people-pleaser out of me. I wish I would’ve stuck up for myself. I was far too kind, far too gentle. Far too submissive, and far too caring of how everyone else viewed me.

In between this and my *last* in-person interaction with Sarah (more on that to come don’t you worry), I had talked with Nathan once more. Again, forgive me for my poor recollection of events, but here’s the next milestone in the worst experience of my life –

My sister-in-law, whom Nathan regularly hung out with, approached me during work – It’s important to note that I had only come out to a very close, very small group of friends & Nathan at this point. So not my sister in law…

She said “Your mom thinks you’re gay, you should probably call her and clear that up.” There was no beating around the bush, especially with her. Immediately I felt the urge to throw up all over her office.

I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t nice, but here is the series of texts between Nathan and I seconds after I caught my breath (*warning* this is lowkey scary on my part, but a very raw reaction):

what did you tell my mom
& why is *sister in law* saying my entire family thinks I’m gay???
I’m literally about to flip the fuck out
did you like actually fucking out me to my family be honest

I told her you cheated on me and that we were about to break up, but I told her you needed to tell her. Idk what *sister in law* is talking about I haven’t talked to them about anything
Idk why *sister in law* is saying that I’m not talking to anyone

*Nathan stop talking to my fucking family.

I haven’t in a week
10-4

stop putting people in our situation.

10-4

that is my family.
my people
you have taken ALL OF THEM from me, *Nathan,
ALL OF THEM. you have made me this shitty person in EVERYONES FUCKING EYES DUDE
please get your stuff today. I will clean out my stuff from the bed on my lunch break. I can sleep on the couch.
you haven’t told them anything so why would *sister in law* randomly bring up that my parents & Grammy think I’m gay??? I didn’t tell her anything like that.
so where did she get that idea?? because she told me she got it from my mom… who then told *sister in law*
& you outed me to your entire family so do you expect me to believe that you didn’t tell mine??

I told them you made out with a girl they are coming up with the rest. I didn’t lie to them. I told them what you did to me and thats fine I’ll get it after work

You didn’t need to talk to them at all??????
that’s MY FAMILY
you outed me to everyone *Nathan.
did you think you were just going to get away with that?
my life is ruined lmfao

????? I didn’t do anything lol you did it all, did you think they would never find out?

why would they thats not their business????
you didn’t do anything??? YOU OUTED ME *NATHAN

I will save you from reading the rest of the conversation, as it’s the same back and forth argument for quite some time. Telling Nathan that not only did he not need to involve my family in our relationship problems (which I had expressed multiple times before this instance). But he also had no right to be the first to tell them about my sexuality. This was my ultimate breaking point. One of many times that I asked Nathan to pack his shit and leave. But he attempted to stick around, despite all of my efforts.

You may be thinking – are your parents not supportive? Why was this a big deal?

My parents are extremely supportive. I never thought for one second that they wouldn’t be. However, I simply wasn’t ready to come out to anyone else, and that is reason enough to be upset. I wasn’t even ready to tell Nathan. But add that onto the fact that my friends were suddenly switching up on me, he had already outed me to his family and friends and now this? My coming out was not my coming out at all. I intended to finally have control over my sexuality and my story. No one allowed me to have that.

I know that I am lucky to have supportive and understanding parents, and even more thankful that they didn’t pry after Nathan had approached them with this information. Sure, my mom knew I was going through it. And there might’ve been a couple times where she asked if I wanted to talk or how I was doing. I know she wanted me to open up, but she didn’t want to force anything. I am eternally grateful. Still, I think everyday how badly I wish I could’ve come out to them.

Later that week I had met up with Sarah. This time in person, and at the Lakefront. Can you tell I like to hangout there?

She reiterated all of the things we had previously discussed over text. How I was being secretive and “not like myself”. I mean… Obviously? But in true *past* Cheyenne fashion, I explained myself and I apologized. It felt more like defending myself in front of a firing squad. Except I didn’t have any armor and they weren’t letting up on me.

There’s a few things I want to mention that Sarah had said to me, one of them being “I have to start going to therapy because of all of this”. Honestly, I thought she was joking. Go to therapy because of my coming out? Because of how you are treating me? Shit, give me their number. But I’m sure you can guess – I apologized for it. APOLOGIZED. Cheyenne what the fuck?! Sarah did later mention that she was facing other issues that I didn’t know about because I didn’t care to ask. Oh, sorry. I had quite literally succumbed to your slighting of me that I forgot we were actually friends.

Side note: I take mental health and seeking out professional help very seriously. I have struggled with not only suicidal ideation, but also depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember (hello, transparency). My first therapy experience was in middle school. But because of this, I recognized that what she was telling me was so far out of line and manipulative… It was almost laughable.

Another thing that Sarah had mentioned was that if I were to maintain any kind of relationship with Serrena, then she could no longer be my friend. While I understand boundaries, I was so confused by this. I had met Serrena through Sarah & Rose – they were friends. A few weeks prior we had met up with her at Pride, hung out with her at Southern Nights – They even had me take a picture of all of them together. The week after that, they invited Serrena to their Halloween party. And then the week after THAT we all attended Serrena’s Halloween party together.

So pardon my confusion, but this sounded more like an extreme ultimatum than it did a boundary. Almost as if they wanted to control who I was friends with, and to what extent I could allow others into my life.

Maybe Sarah was looking out for me, but if that was the case she wouldn’t have turned her back on me when I needed her most. She tried to convince me that Serrena would ruin my life. In fact, she told me not to come crawling back to her & Rose when it did transpire in what she assumed would be 6 months… (it didn’t)

I don’t remember much more of the conversation if I am honest. I did tell her there was no way Nathan and I would stay together. I couldn’t move past any of what I was experiencing with him, forgiveness wasn’t an option. Which I think everyone saw coming, despite what they may say.

I left that conversation hopeful that I could maintain my friendship with Sarah & Rose, although I knew in the back of my mind that it was almost impossible. They had become people I truly didn’t recognize – they had become my biggest bullies, which wasn’t something I was able to identify until recently. Ultimately, our friendship fizzled out.

Nathan and I ended up calling it quits after multiple attempts on my part. It was messy. I had went out of town not long after the breakup, and while I was gone he showed up to the house and took the bed and couch. They were his, so it wasn’t completely unfair. However, we had an agreement that he wouldn’t take any of the furniture until either I bought new, or until after my family had come to visit for Christmas. Since he took them without letting me know, I ended up sleeping on an air mattress for I don’t even know how long, because the mattress I had on order kept getting delayed.

He did also blow up my phone with lots of nasty messages that weekend, which I assume was all in retaliation to me going away when everyone expected me to roll over and die. One of the texts which included, “You should’ve broke up with me 3 years ago if you thought you were bi.”

Not so surprisingly, once I got back home my bedroom was not only missing a bed, but it was trashed. Stuff flung everywhere, it was obvious he had moved out with rage. But what wasn’t a mess, was where the mattress used to be. The floor where it once was – spotless. Except of course for the bunch of ripped up photos of Nathan and I that he laid neatly in a pile for me to see. One of them had something written on the back, and for the life of me I can’t remember now but it was probably something like “thanks for nothing”.

I believe that it was after the breakup that I finally came out to my parents. I did it through tears. Knowing they had already been told made it much harder. Especially that they had been told alllll about what Nathan and I were going through, but only from his point of view because I just wanted to be left alone for fucks sake. I don’t know how many times I can say that, but truly no one would allow it. Except of course my parents :’)

I don’t remember much of my coming out to my mom & dad apart from the tears. Similar to most of my coming out, I had practically dissociated from my body. Everything was a blur. My mom did tell me that Nathan had been contacting her but she was taking everything he said with a grain of salt (shoutout Mama!). It was as supportive as it could be – ya know when your daughter is telling you she’s gay but someone has already beat her to it.

I called my sister shortly after, and that day alone had lifted a small amount of the thousands of boulders off of my shoulders.

Claiming my sexuality slowly trickled into the rest of my life. I eventually did come out to family members who had already been made aware (thanks for that Nathan). But it felt necessary. In doing so, I was taking back a piece of my life.

And of course, it didn’t take long to discover that I am not bisexual, but a lesbian. Which we will talk more about in a later post 😉

There’s much more to my coming out than a blog can capture, even with over 4,000 words (if you’re still here, you’re a real one). As silly as it sounds, I could actually write a book about it. And while absolutely traumatizing, isolating, ostracizing it can be, there is also beauty to be found in it.

To absolutely no ones surprise, Serrena and I fell in love. I stopped caring more about other peoples feelings than my own. I attended therapy again, which helped a lot. I’ve created a safe space for myself, my experiences and my love. I had reclaimed my identity and my story, even though from an outsiders view it may have appeared like I was ignoring it.

Again, I know I am not perfect. I know I am not innocent. But I also know that I was not deserving of the treatment I received. No one deserves to be bullied or cast out because of their sexuality, and how they came to discover themselves – especially by their closest friends.

Though my coming out very obviously caused a lot of damage to just about every aspect of my personal life, there is very little that I regret about it. At no point did I ignore my gut instinct or my heart, no matter how much pain or guilt it caused. I held true that regardless of what people were saying, I knew myself. I know my heart, and even more importantly I knew the truth. And I know that it is a privilege to know me.

But make no mistake… the torment didn’t stop just because I had removed the villains from my life.

to be continued…(again)