"How do you think *Nathan feels that you left him for a girl?" 

What the fu- first of all... that's not at all how it works. Second of all, you haven't even asked me how I'm doing. 

"He was going to propose to you, ya know." 

Well I'm glad he didn't because I'm a lesbian. Also, this isn't helping. 

"He told us he bought a ring and everything."

Weird, because he thanked me for breaking up with him before he bought a ring.... getting mixed messages here. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think my sister in law meant to cause any harm. After all, we were almost too close before all of this. But ya know, when tensions are high…

The same attitude towards the situation radiated throughout quite a few of my family members. Stating that “he never did anything wrong to me.” Which made me so angry. Again, I wasn’t explaining to them how horribly Nathan and all of my friends were treating me. But I shouldn’t have had to.

This felt like blatant disrespect. Disrespect towards me, my sexuality, and eventually my new partner and my new relationship.

One specific instance after the breakup, Nathan was asked to house sit for a family member. In spite of my plea to not allow this to happen, it did.

I drove by said family members house that weekend while on my way to the grocery store. It was my regular route, not something I went out of my way to do.

Not only was Nathan’s car there, so were the cars of both of my brothers and sister in law. My heart sank to my stomach. Serrena had to rescue me from falling into panic attack before we arrived to the store. I cried about it for days. I thought I was done experiencing the betrayal. I thought I was done with Nathan. This proved that wasn’t the case.

Prior to this shitstorm, I saw my siblings every weekend. I mean every. single. weekend. Our lives were heavily intertwined. I helped plan my brothers wedding. I lived with my other brother. I helped with all of the birthday parties and events.

In fact, I used to be the “go-to” gal in the family (when my older sister isn’t around, of course). I am always the one to babysit, send you $20, pick you up from the airport or help take your car to the mechanic. But after this, there was a shift.

I no longer live with my brother, the relationship was toxic and extremely avoidant. Better now that we don’t live together though, that’s for sure. I am no longer invited over on the weekends, and I only mingle on a personal level at family gatherings.

I have no idea if Nathan still maintains a relationship with my family. I know that he’s tried to have one with my parents, and I know for sure my mother will not entertain that. One thing about my momma, she’s got my back 😉

However, my relationship with my siblings is not the same. They continued to hangout with him as late as December of 2022 – with his new girlfriend. That’s all I needed to know.

Now, don’t think I no longer care about them by any means. I love my family. But as all of this continued to happen, the weight got too heavy to bear.

My anxiety and depression were through the roof. I couldn’t look at my family knowing they maintained a relationship with someone that I considered an enemy – a better relationship than the one they had with me.

I had no choice but to set boundaries. As long as Nathan was welcome into their homes, it was no longer a safe space for me. As long as they were continuing to have a personal relationship with him, their access to my personal life was limited.

This wasn’t at all to punish them, and I never want it to seem that way. Again, I love them. There will never come a day where I don’t love them. But I have to protect myself.

I’ve said this before, but my coming out wasn’t all bad. I was introduced to the value of true friendship. In spite of the mistreatment from Sarah & Rose and a few others on the friendship front, I had people who truly supported me. Friends that I didn’t value nearly as much as I should have before my coming out. Friends who grabbed me by the face and said “Shut up!! You’re not a bad person. I love you regardless of your mistakes.” True friends.

My Reflection

Even when talking with Serrena on this in the months after it happened – because let’s not forget that she experienced this right alongside me – We would both often become triggered or on edge the moment it was brought up. The moment we would receive word that yet again people were talking, we went into defense mode. It was a trauma response. The paranoia got so bad that we decided to move. It wasn’t far, at least not for now, but the distance allowed room for us to relax and breathe. The amount of relief we felt as soon as we signed our lease – wow.

I was talking with a friend after my first post in this series went live. She – who requested a pseudonym so let’s call her Jo 😉 – was aware of how much I struggled throughout not only my coming out, but also every time the topic would reappear months and weeks later. Jo asked me how all of this was affecting me – revisiting this once again but in the public eye. Honestly, I feel at peace. I feel content. I feel lighter.

I am grateful that I waited as long as I did to tell my story, and that I was able to separate my anger and my truth. I am thankful for the time that I took to reflect, and the many of times that I came back to my story without yet taking it to the outside world. A year ago today I would have told you all of this in a very unhealthy way. It would have sent me back into my depression, maybe put me on edge & filled me with rage.

But today, it’s healing. It’s freeing.

For the most part, I don’t feel as angry. It sneaks up on me sometimes, sure. But for the most part I’ve come to accept the outcomes. The grief from losing friends and relationships comes in waves, but it’s much more manageable.

Don’t get it twisted – I don’t think this is something that I’ll ever get over. And that is okay. I forget about it more often these days, but I will never get over it. You don’t have to let go of your traumas. You don’t have to forget about them. You don’t have to “get over it”. Just don’t let it define you.

Since my coming out, I’ve taken accountability for my actions, I’ve become my own biggest advocate and I’ve learned that only I can control my story. I’ve recognized the toxicity in others – not just those who hurt me during this specific experience. I have grown, loved, and finally stood up for myself where I most needed it. And boy does it feel good.

As for Sarah, Rose & Nathan – I don’t wish them any harm, and I don’t hope for revenge. Not anymore, anyway.

I hope they realize how much they fucked me up. Not in a manipulative type of way, but more like a don’t treat people like that ever again type of way. I hope they heal in their own ways, and I hope they find enough kindness and grace to give and take where it’s needed. I hope they focus their energy on their own story and their own lives, rather than trying to control someone else’s.

Most importantly, I hope I never hear from them again <3

I love you. thank you for being here.