The thing no one tells you about coming out – you can’t just do it once.

I struggle with even the thought of talking about my coming out publicly. Not because I don’t want to, but because when I’ve tried to address it in the past with a silly TikTok or an Instagram story, I am often met with those from my past accusing me of starting drama. & to that I say – it’s easy to confuse someone else’s trauma with drama when you’re the villain in their story. I am finally ready to share my side of the story – my story. Today, I will tell you my initial coming out story, whom I told first & how they reacted.

I thought about making this whole coming out story very surface level. The details, even for me, are all over the place. But surface level isn’t very me… so strap in & maybe grab a notepad to keep up.

This is my coming out story.
& the initial reactions of those whom I told first.

My coming out story is full of lies. Full of betrayal, isolation and full of grief. However, it is also full of self love, patience, and a shit ton of acceptance. I never imagined my coming out would be nearly as bad as it was. I thought I would be welcomed with open arms, supported & accepted. And at first I was! Until of course the adrenaline wore off. My friends became my enemies, and my story was no longer mine. But how did this happen? I’m glad you asked.

Prior to coming out, I was your typical closeted gay – taking every “am I gay?” quiz I could find once I figured out how to wipe my internet’s search history. Constantly reliving *in slow motion* my first kiss with a girl since middle school & as I got older, only attending gay clubs and grasping at any opportunity to hangout with my queer friends. I was myself around them.

My closest queer friends – let’s call them Sarah & Rose – would joke around with me calling me bisexual, telling me that they sometimes thought I was more gay than them, and even started introducing me to other people as “an ally” signaling air quotes when they said it. I mean call me silly, but I felt safe with them. Not only could they spot my queerness from a mile away, but they were my best friends and really seemed to accept me for me.

Rose and I had known each other since elementary school. Sarah was her better, way more social half. Our friendship always felt natural – never forced. I was with them all the time. They were the ones who really introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community and made me realize – yes. this is where I belong.

I am not going to play innocent – I was not perfect in my journey. I was in a relationship, and while my partner at the time knew I was out drunkenly kissing randos at parties (because yes, I was that girl), he thought it was harmless. And while usually it was, this time it wasn’t. Things had begun to escalate and I could no longer hide that I was struggling with my sexuality – but boy did I still try! My eating habits came to an abrupt halt, I started going out and drinking way too often, and I force-swallowed my queerness at every turn. I avoided being home or hanging out with my partner at the time because I knew I was lying about who I was and what I was feeling. Honestly, that period of my life felt like very long, very slow years. but the worst of it only lasted a couple of weeks. Finally, I broke. I couldn’t take it anymore and I texted Sarah – “are you busy?”

Sarah picked me up from my house and we went on a drive. I came out to her as bisexual and explained some of the things I was feeling. I remember being at Wawa, she was standing at the gas pump, and after we talked about it a bit, she said something along the lines of “well a lot of times being bisexual just means you’re sexually attracted to women, but not emotionally. You probably couldn’t date one.” Well… maybe she’s right I thought. Surely, she knows more about all of this than I do.

Before I knew it, we were sitting in the parked car at the local Lakefront Park and there was a group FaceTime call with three others initiated by Sarah. “Cheyenne has something to tell us” Sarah said. I told them through tears that I was gay – or bisexual, I honestly don’t remember what I said. They responded with things like “we already knew this!” or “finally!”. Looking back, I wasn’t ready for that. Regardless, their support provided me with a much needed sigh of relief.

They asked me about my partner at the time – let’s call him Nathan. I wasn’t ready to tell him, and they seemed to understand in the moment. I cried a lot & I didn’t understand it then, but I think my emotions were five steps ahead of me, almost like my own brain was foreshadowing the events to come.

When I finally collected myself, Sarah dropped me off at home. Before I could take a single breath outside of the car, I saw Nathan sitting on the porch waiting up for me. “What’s going on??? Something is wrong.” he said. I replied “I don’t really want to talk about it tonight. Everything is fine.” He was persistent. I felt like I had just been hit by a truck with all of the emotions from the FaceTime call and talking with Sarah. I insisted that I didn’t want to talk about it. He pushed and pushed and pushed and eventually I said “I want you to know that if you continue with this, you are making me tell you something that I am really not ready to tell you.” and still, he pressed on.

It took me a bit, but I told him what had happened with the not-so-harmless kiss and that I was bisexual. He insisted that it wasn’t a big deal, but had so many questions that I simply did not have the answers to. Not only because I was coming out to my long-term partner as bisexual after being unfaithful, but also because I was so overwhelmed my body was practically on autopilot. My mind was racing, I was physically shaking, I felt nauseous and I probably could’ve benefited from a 16-day hibernation. His questions were answered with lots of I don’t know and I can’t talk about this right now – but one thing we did talk about was how we both did not consider that kiss to be truly unfaithful. Of course, not then anyway.

As he grew more emotional, I begged him to give me space, to go stay at his parents. I had almost just felt forced to come out to him. I mean I did it, but never did I feel that I was doing it willingly. I know what some of you may be thinking – he deserved to know.

No. He didn’t.

Coming out is my story. My narrative, my sexuality. And from an outside perspective I see how that might be difficult to understand. Regardless of our status, length of relationship, etc., I did not owe him that. That information was mine to keep, and mine to share if I wished to do so. Sure, I would’ve told him sooner or later… But not like that. I would’ve done so on my own terms.

After what felt like hours of negotiation, he went to stay at his parents. I can’t remember if this was before or after, but I should mention that I had to get out of the house again – that place had become a cesspool of things I didn’t want to address. I told Nathan that I was heading to Sarah & Rose’s house, but truthfully I made a mental breakdown detour and ended up parking my car at the Lakefront once again. While I was there, Serrena – whom by now we all know and love 😉 – had texted me saying that she was at work, but about to leave. I had communicated to her that I was having a rough night, so she met me where I was & I jumped in her car.

I honestly don’t remember what she talked about (oops), but I know that all I did was sit there and listen. In the midst of me listening to her rant, Sarah & Rose must have started to worry because I wasn’t responding to their texts. I looked at my phone, it hadn’t been very long since I last checked but now my text alerts were through the roof – the last one being from Sarah:

see your location

we’re coming

I’m okay.

I’m with Serrena

but you can come

I remembered they questioned why I was with her, and a few minutes later they pulled up right next to us. I yelled from Serrena’s car “Do you guys want to get in? We’re just talking.” They told me no, and they were just checking up on me and then they left. I wish in that moment that I would’ve recognized the obvious shift in their demeanor when they saw that I was allowing someone else this close to me.

Later that night, I saw that I had an unread text from Rose. Honestly, Rose holds little-to-no deep emotion. If they do, they are really good at hiding it. I don’t think we had ever talked about many meaningful things, but somehow we had always clicked on a different level than anyone else.

The text read:

Hi I know you’re driving rn but I wanted to say kudos to you for coming out and realizing who you are and accepting it. Trust me it’s hard but it does get better. And props to you for figuring yourself out bitch I still can’t figure it out and (removed for privacy reasons you nosy suckers) but that’s another conversation for another day. Love you bitch.

The vulnerability and acceptance from someone like Rose was exactly what I needed in that moment.

If I’m being honest, the next chain of events is very much a blur. which I will reiterate multiple times throughout this entire series, so bare with me. If I thought the previous weeks had moved in slow motion, the next couple of days lasted lightyears.

The next thing I distinctly remember – I was at work, not hearing from Nathan after he was staying at his parents (per my request) and his location and any way for me to contact him was restricted.

I think I may have resorted to looking at Snapchat maps and saw him at Sarah & Rose’s house… yes – my friends, Sarah & Rose. I immediately texted Rose and asked why he was there – after all, they had almost no relationship with Nathan. Rose had explained how Nathan was over because he needed a friend and after some back and forth I apologized to Rose & told them to hangout if that’s what Nathan needed.

Almost immediately after that, I got my very first taste of disapproval – and it was from Rose.

to be continued….